At some point in my life, I heard the quote, “Do not let anyone else hold the pen that is writing your story.” I think this is a phenomenal quote. Very motivational. Except right now, it isn’t working. Well, that isn’t entirely true. I am holding the pen; I just don’t like the story that I am writing. And I cannot, for the life of me, seem to change course.

I have been stuck since May. I don’t know what happened. I cannot seem to get out of my own way. I feel so incapable of doing anything productive in my life.

I signed up for the gym, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to go because I am ashamed of how I have let myself go. I don’t want people looking at me. I thought having everything I need to work out at home would help me, but all my equipment just sits, collecting dust.

I feel lost in my own head and overwhelmed with sadness at where I am in my life—overwhelmed by what I don’t have. I cannot seem to find the words to articulate all the things that I do have that I should certainly be thankful for.

What has happened to me? A stranger pointed out to me recently that I have a negative outlook on life. I vehemently disagreed with him until he pointed out that I begin every statement or answer to a question with a negative. “I can’t…” “I don’t…” “I wish…”

I was dismayed to realize that he was right. I don’t think anyone who knows me would describe me as negative. I am filled with positive affirmations for others. I am the first to point out all the things other people have to be grateful for. I am happy to cheer others up by helping them see how they show up in the world and how much better off we arebecause we have them in our lives. Why can’t I muster that same energy for myself?

I posted on Threads recently that we spend most of our day in conversation with ourselves, more than with anyone else, and that we should be careful how we talk to ourselves because we are always listening. Another outward platitude that I cannot seem to internalize.

I have even written myself a list on the whiteboard on my freezer – reminders of the things that are true about me, regardless of the number on the scale.

I am STRONG.
I am SMART.
I am COMPASSIONATE.
I am a GOOD FRIEND.
I am LOVING.
I am FORGIVING.
I am HILARIOUS.
I am WORTHY.
I am VALUABLE.

I am holding the pen. But I am allowing others to influence the way I see myself, and, in my opinion, that is worse than letting someone else write my story.

Action begets motivation. Not the other way around. I just need to figure out how to take the first step. How to turn off the noise all around me. How to reach deep down inside to the fourteen-year-old girl who needs me to show up for her.