I have spent time reflecting on things that happened this year. 2025 has seen some high highs and some low lows.

This year, I stepped out of my comfort zone and took my first solo international trip. The five weeks I spent in India are some of the best weeks of my life: the food, the people, the culture, the colors, all of it. I had no idea what to expect when I got on the plane to fly across the ocean. I don’t think words can accurately express the change that happened in my soul.

I spent several months in a depression so deep that I almost lost the light. I still haven’t quite figured out what the trigger was, but it just kept getting darker to the point where I started consciously spending time thinking about dying, playing different scenarios in my head.

What would happen if I fell in the shower and hit my head? There is no one here to care, so how long would it take for someone to find me?

Could I create a single car accident that wouldn’t harm anyone else, but that would take care of things?

Is there such a thing as taking too many muscle relaxers?

The good news is, I am on my way out of that darkness. I am not quite on the other side, but I am making choices every day that let a little bit more light in.

Life is strange. I feel, I don’t know, untethered. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I want to get out of here. I want to travel, or live in an RV, or meet a man who lives somewhere completely different and pick up and go. But, at the same time, I am so very terrified of the unknowns of any of those choices. I have never been a person who does those things by myself.

I miss having someone to make memories with. I miss having someone to talk to. I miss having someone who is invested in the soap opera that is my work life. But I have learned this year that I need to figure out how to be enough for myself. I need to unlearn a lot of codependent habits that I have developed over decades of toxic relationships.

So, as I say goodbye to 2025, I am thankful for the memories, for the lessons, and for the heartache. I am grateful for the clear vision for 2026. I am humbled by the opportunity I have to take a step back and really get to know myself. I am not sure that I have ever had this opportunity before. I have always been playing some role: daughter, mother, employee, sister, wife, side piece. I have never allowed myself just to be me. I have been a chameleon. Changing my colors to match those of the person standing in front of me.

2026 is for me. For self-discovery. I have no grand plans of going on a walkabout or anything crazy. But I do want to spend some quality time with myself. Don’t get me wrong, I do want to be in a relationship. I do want that lifelong partnership where I get to be someone else’s person. But first, I have to learn how to be my own person.

So here’s to 2026 and allowing myself to take up space in the world without feeling guilty about it.